Okay comparisons, discontentment & disappointment, nobody needs you during this week >:( all these thoughts about one sided relationships, empty conversations & missing people who don’t miss you is just.. unbearable especially when I’m unprepared for the next 2 science papers. Omg this is the real shiz not trials so for goodness sake let me focus
“You say that God is all-loving and all good, yet why do I go through this pain?” A boy asks his Father.
“God whispers to us in our pleasure, speaks to us in our conscience, and shouts to us in our pain.” Replies the Father.
This is significant, because as I fall into the same hole over and over again, I keep failing to see the reason for pain. Not physical pain, for one can find joy while being hurt for a good sake, but emotional pain.
I wake up daily thinking about how I can no longer trust anyone about any of my hearts aches, thinking that one day my faith will just waver and I’ll fade into worldiness…
Yet, the pain wakes me up to what reality is. I sing “all I have is Christ”, but I am so affected by small and subtle issues. I made a prayer for him to chasten me, just as a Father chastens His child, yet I fear chastening.
What a hypocrite.
So college has started and my exams are in around 3 weeks or less, and here I am wasting my time using the computer instead of doing “something” about my upcoming challenges that I’ve already foreseen in the past, yet am doing nothing about now.
Firstly, I wanted to be the dude who studied real hard for his A-levels to prove to people that just because my sister was a phailure, I wasn’t. (of course for my own merits and be able to enter Nottingham too). Now here I am struggling with my strongest subjects yet still being lazy even when my Jan intake friends are going all “impossibru” on me.
Secondly, I wanted to get more books on Theology (diverting slightly away from pure philosophical viewpoints, since although useful for finding truth and wisdom, it isn’t too useful now because of postmodernism and fundamentalism), read up on more and be able to object to Ben’s hardcore Calvinistic theology. Yet I still haven’t got a single book…
Thirdly, I wanted to ignore all these icky feelings for them girls for now, and focus on what needs to be focusing (i.e. to be able to say “all I have is Christ”), but there I was tearing just a little bit just because of a thought of someone I thought I didn’t/wasn’t attracted to and blah *insert long long story here*. When will I look for love in the right places?
Fourthly, as a friend/acquaintance of mine once put it; “college years are wild years”. Clubbing, sleeping around, getting drunk and partying with drugs is nearly a norm to people around college. I remember back then when I was younger when people regarded the above as being “gangsta” or baddd, but then when I grew up, I realized that it isn’t that simple. And how easy was it to denounce such activities when we were amongst our friends with the same principles as us or something close to it back then. And yet it doesn’t happen now.
Which boils down to one of my biggest problems in college life currently; real fellowship.
Where to find?!
I stick to people whom I once was close to and who were caring and nice to me in the past, and I get rebuked as being clingy and somehow not being open enough. And if I don’t, what happens? Do I compromise and just be more like the people I see the most?
Maybe no one would care. But I take comfort (little of it), that somebody used to care. And if I am to live a consistent life with my beliefs, then I have no other road to take than this confused and silent road :/
